About four years ago, I wrote a blog post about where I hoped my own two kids would go to college. I named three schools—Deep Springs College, St. John’s College, and Olin College of Engineering—but the main idea was that I picked those schools based on my own aspirations and prejudices, not anything to do with my kids. I warned students and parents to watch out for getting student goals too mixed up with parent goals. They often overlap, but they’re absolutely not the same thing.

My oldest is now a high school sophomore, so the “where do you want your kids to go to college?” question is a lot less abstract, and the consequences for my expressing too much of an opinion—or too little—can be much greater. So…where do I want my sophomore to go to college in two years?

The list is longer than three; there are around 25 colleges that would make me super excited to send my high schooler. And there are easily another few hundred that would make me happy. But now the list is based a lot less on my desires and lot more on my kid’s. They want a good school to major in mathematics, a low student-faculty ratio, and a small student population. Deep Springs, St. John’s, and Olin are all small schools with a great faculty ratio, but not as “math-y” as my kid wants. So my “dream school” for my kid has changed based on what they want to more closely align with their “dream school.”

That being said, I still have my own desires and blind spots I have to watch out for. For example, I don’t want them to go to Rice, because we live in Houston and I want them to go farther away from home. I also prefer a school with a strong humanities curriculum. I can say as much as I want that has to do with wanting a well-rounded experience for my kid, but we all know it’s because I’m a former English major and English teacher who wants my kid to take a lot more literature and art classes than they probably want to take. My kid’s probably going to be a full-pay student. I’m not necessarily looking for the least expensive option, but I’m going to make a big deal out of getting the most value for the money…even though I’m the first to admit that value is difficult to define.

There’s also a long-standing joke in our house that the kids can go wherever they want for college, as long it’s in a place their parents will enjoy visiting for a vacation. It’s just a joke—I won’t insist on California, the Rockies, or the New York City area. But man, I still hope they don’t end up in the rural Midwest.

I think I’ll be able to set my prejudices and aspirations aside and help my child choose the best option for them, but I know it’s going to take effort on my part. I have a lot of knowledge about colleges, and I have a lot of knowledge about my children. It would be irresponsible not to help guide them. But I also have my own interests that are separate from theirs, and that’s hard to let go of. It’s tricky work, and virtually every parent has to help their kid go through the same tricky work.

So what should families do?

Talk openly about the places where what the student wants differs from what that parents want. Make everyone aware of their own and each other’s dreams and blind spots. When it comes time to make difficult decisions, you can all keep each other honest and rational.

Identify dealbreakers for both parents and students. If parents have any “we will absolutely not support you going to _____ kind of college,” then they should state that as early as possible. For example, I worked with a student whose parents told her upfront that, although they could afford just about any school in the country, they were not willing to pay more than $40,000 per year. Nor would they support her applying for loans. So the student knew that she was welcome to apply to expensive private universities, but she would have to get scholarships to cover anything over $40,000. (She’s now at the much less than $40K University of Texas.) I understand that there are very few parents able to pay $160,000 cash for college, but it’s an example of parents making their dealbreakers known ahead of time.

I’ve learned over time that many students don’t have a strong geographic preference, but the ones that do don’t back down from those preferences. Students who say “I want to go to a small school” often end up at large schools. Students who say “I want to major in STEM” often end up with a humanities degree. But students who say “I don’t want to go to school in the South” don’t go to school in the South. If students have dealbreakers, they should make those clear.

Talk about money and understand what’s affordable. Every family has a line between “affordable” and “unaffordable.” The sooner you all know where that line is, the better. Affordability is likely to be the main factor for your final decision on where you go. So get the whole family used to that reality. But also make sure everyone in the family understands—really understands—the difference between list price and what you’re likely to pay. An admissions dean at a small liberal arts college once told me that they had students whose families could probably afford to buy the whole school, and they had students who literally couldn’t afford to go to the school if the school didn’t give them a full ride and pay for the bus fare to get there. The dean said it was important to have both kinds, and everything in between, for their mission. No student should decide not to apply to a college just because they don’t think they can afford it. But at the same time, no student should assume that a college will provide them with all the aid they need. You’ve got to spread a wide net.

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Check out these related Apply with Sanity posts: Where do I want my kids to go to college? Three things parents should stop saying to their children, A good example of a family doing it right.
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