A productive and sane application process is a lot like finding a good match in a relationship. It requires an honest exploration of what you really want, what you really need, and what you really have to offer in return. Lots of admissions professionals advise that you look for the “right fit” when applying to universities, but you can’t know what that actually means or how that actually works until you let go of the “am I worthy?” mindset.

If you are stuck in the “am I worthy?” mindset, then you look at college as a way to get validation or at least avoid rejection. Once you let go of that mindset and stop looking at college as an award, how do you approach college and admission?

I think the best way is to treat it like a relationship. Go about building a relationship with a college the same way you go about building a relationship with a friend, colleague, or even a romantic partner. Think about the strongest relationships in your life, and think about how they started and strengthened. Think about the relationships that fell apart or withered away and why those things happened.

Why a relationship? College is a place where you’ll spend four to six years. It will become part of your identity; even if you don’t put school bumper stickers on your car or wear school t-shirts, the name of your college is going to be pretty high up on your professional résumé. It’s a place you’re probably going to form lifelong social bonds. It’s where you’ll get most of your initial professional contacts and advice. It’s where you’ll solidify your approach to thinking and problem-solving. It’s likely to decide the geographic area you live in after college. It’s a place that won’t ever stop sending you updates and asking you for money. Choosing your college is definitely a rational decision, and it’s also a social and emotional one. College is important to you, and it asks things of you as much as it provides for you. That’s a relationship.

Unlike making friends and getting to know colleagues, choosing a college is a process where you have lots of options, review many of them at the same time, and then choose just a few to pursue simultaneously. It’s more like being on The Bachelor than being on a dating app. So how do you find a college to build a relationship with?

Start by taking some time to think about what you really want, and take time to think about why you really want it. If a school with prestige is really important to you to help alleviate a lack of confidence or to impress disapproving parents, that’s fine. You won’t be the first or last. But be honest with yourself about that. If you want to stay relatively close to home because you’re not sure you’re ready for the full independence of a big move, welcome to the club. But be honest with yourself about that. If you have absolutely no idea what you want to do with your life and need space to wander around—metaphorically or physically—make that a criteria. If social bonds are more important to you than academics and you want a school where you can join the Greek system and paint your face for football games, there’s no shame in that. But be honest with yourself about that. A good college search and application process requires you to stop and really examine yourself to know what you want and need. Too many students look for a “good school” where they can think about these things later. But waiting until you’re in college to think about what you want from college is about as unproductive—and, sadly, as common—as waiting until you’re married to figure out what you hope to get from marriage.

A match, in school and any other relationship, works in both directions. Knowing what you want isn’t enough. You also have to know what you do—and don’t—have to offer the other side. So when you’re thinking about what you want, also think about what schools may want. Part of what you’ll be giving the schools in return is money. College is expensive, and the more you’re able to afford the more options will be open to you. But it’s not just about money. Having a lot of money doesn’t guarantee automatic acceptance into any school, and having little money doesn’t guarantee that there isn’t a college you can afford. Because, again, it’s a relationship and not just a purchase. 

Schools have to think about how to shape the functionality and feeling of their environment. How might you contribute to a college environment once you’re there? You’ll be a student, taking classes and getting grades. But you’ll also be a member of a community, one you might be a member of long after you’ve graduated. So what kind of a community member will you be? It helps to begin by thinking of what kind of a community member you are at your high school. Beyond your grades and your test scores, what do you contribute to the community? What roles do you fill? Chances are, these are similar to the roles you’ll fill at college. And chances are, you haven’t thought about this very deliberately before.

By thinking and exploring what you really want and need in a school and what you really have to offer, you can make a better match when it comes time to really start the search-and-apply mission. You won’t be distracted by good-looking brochures from schools that aren’t right for you. You won’t have that dispiriting feeling that all the schools are the same. You will have a better sense for what kind of environment appeals to you when you go on campus visits.

Your process will be more productive and less anxious when you work on self-knowledge and understand what you want to get and want to give in the relationship. Luckily, you don’t have to fall in love with a college, just think it’s a good match.