For most families, college is a huge financial investment. For most families, the cost of the college is the ultimate deciding factor in whether or not a student goes there. But strangely, the financial considerations are the last thing many families talk about, often waiting until spring of the 12th grade. Students can make better decisions and have less anxiety if they know up front what the parameters are. High school students understand that even if they get into their dream school, they won’t go there if they can’t afford it. Yet most of them have no idea what is and isn’t affordable to their family, so they’re working blind until the last minute.

College is usually, though not always, expensive. For most people it’s a really big investment that requires years of savings beforehand, years of debt repayment afterward, or both. And a frustratingly confusing thing is that you don’t really know what any individual college is going to actually cost any individual student until they’ve already applied and been accepted. The “sticker price” can be misleading, since more than 80% of students don’t pay that price. Financial aid is complex and decided on a case-by-case basis. It’s hard to talk about the cost of college, but you have to talk about it with your family and anyone else who is going to help pay for it. 

There’s a line, or at least a range, between your family saying “yes, we can afford that” and “no, we can’t afford that.” There’s a line, or at least a range, between “yes, that’s an acceptable amount of debt” and “no, that’s too much to borrow.” There’s a line, or at least a range, between “I can work after school to cover that cost” and “I can’t make that much money on top of full-time school.”

We may not want to think about those lines, and we may not want to talk about them, but they’re there. The sooner you talk about where those lines are, the better. 

It’s really common for students to first go through the application process, then see what the costs and aid offers are, and then to ask their families if those costs are within the family budget. It should be the other way around! As soon as possible, talk to your family and figure out, together, what a reasonable college budget is. Let that budget guide you as you explore schools and look at their costs. It’s really important that you don’t skip applying to a school that’s a good fit just because you think you can’t afford it. You may be right, but you may get more financial aid than you expect. Just like you make sure you apply to colleges with a range of acceptance rates, you also apply to schools with a range of average net costs.

Price will be a factor, eventually. After the financial aid offers are in and settled, after the scholarships are applied for, after the reality of student loans has been thought about, you and your family are going to have to make some very basic “can we afford this” decisions. If you’ve agreed on a budget beforehand, these decisions are easier. You already know what the lines are.

For a lot of families, money is very difficult to talk about. Lots of parents are really uncomfortable getting into specifics with their children. Lots of parents don’t want their kids to know how little—or how much—money they have. The idea of having a very detailed discussion of family finances, including looking at tax forms, is really difficult for a lot of people. Which is why you need to start the conversation as soon as possible. The first round—or two or three or ten rounds—of the conversation may not go well. You can’t wait until forms are due and decisions have to be made to begin the first round.

Having a good sense of the financial situation can also help relieve a lot of the stress around applications. It takes away one layer of mystery from a very mystified process. It helps with the disappointment of not going somewhere that’s a great match because you can’t afford it. It helps you have a better bargaining position when the financial aid discussions begin if you know what your bottom line is ahead of time. It helps you be a part of the adult conversation.

Some questions to ask your family:

Do you know the sticker prices of the schools I’m thinking of applying to? Do you know that most people don’t pay the sticker price? Do you know the average net costs of those schools, which is probably closer to our actual cost?

How much are you planning to spend on college? 

How much do you think is reasonable to spend per year on college?

How much do you think is reasonable to borrow per year for college?

How much of a financial contribution are you expecting of me?

Do you know what the FAFSA is and how to apply? What about the CSS Profile?

These aren’t easy questions to ask, and the discussions might be awkward. But you’re going to have them, and starting them sooner is better.

If you’re fortunate and think you can afford the sticker price of the schools you’re applying to without financial aid, that’s wonderful. Maybe your family has a lot of money. Maybe you and your family have saved up over the years. Maybe you’ve received some great scholarships. Maybe you have that famous “Rich Uncle” who will take care of everything. But don’t avoid asking these questions anyway. Having these conversations will, at the very least, help with a sense of gratitude and perspective. Also ask your family what the money will go to if not college. For example, something like “We can afford this school, but if I get a full scholarship what will the money go to instead?” That can be an interesting conversation.

If nothing else, talking to your family about money will be a good exercise in how to handle difficult conversations. Those don’t ever go away.